


Finally Faded

by FavoredFire



Series: Demolishing Bridges (Academy AU) [3]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Academy Era, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - School, Angst, Corruption, Double Agents, Emotional Baggage, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Loss of Innocence, SHIELD Academy, SHIELD Academy Era, Secrets, Teenagers, academy au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-26
Updated: 2015-08-26
Packaged: 2018-04-17 09:45:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4662030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FavoredFire/pseuds/FavoredFire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live." - Norman Cousins </p><p>It's the holidays- not that that matters to Ward. He's busy struggling to keep his distance from Skye as she continues to insert herself into his life. But after a disturbing night of training with Garrett, Ward finds himself running towards her instead of away despite himself. </p><p>[Academy AU Part Three]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Finally Faded

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KrzyRiver](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrzyRiver/gifts).



> This is the third installment. You should to read the first two ("Demolishing Bridges" and "Adjust Accordingly") to understand. Thanks to everyone who has been following the series!
> 
> Dedicated to the wonderful and supportive KrzyRiver! Thanks for always being so awesome! :)
> 
> _"The girl was holding out her hand, but I could only give a pathetic shrug. I had nothing to give her. I'd finally faded away."_
> 
> **-Scott Heim**

"Are you even trying?" Grant asked grumpily.

They had been at it for almost an hour, and Skye spent more time goofing off than she did actually doing what he told her to.

"Chill, T-1000," Skye said as she plopped onto the gym floor and reached for her water bottle. "I've made so much progress in the last month. A little rest won't ruin that."

"You still have so much left to learn," Grant complained. He crossed his arms and stared down at her. She was trying his patience as per usual. No one got under his skin like Skye did.

Skye rolled her eyes. "You're taking all the fun out of it."

Grant's eyes narrowed. Fun? Was that what this was to her? It was not supposed to be fun. She had to learn these things if she wanted to protect herself, if she wanted to have control over her life.

"Sorry I'm not a natural like you are," she muttered.

Grant bit back the instinctive urge to tell her she was wrong. Nothing about the way he was now was natural. He had trained dutifully, extensively and pushed his body to the brink in order to ensure that no one could screw with him anymore.

But his cover dictated that he let her assume that the reason he was so skilled for a freshman is because he was born with the talent, so he voiced none of his thoughts.

Skye huffed to herself when he did not rise to the bait. She leaned back on her arms and peered up at him frustrated.

Unfortunately for Grant, the move caused her chest to push out and draw his eyes towards the inviting cleavage her tank top revealed. By the time Grant snapped himself out of his trance, Skye was staring at him with narrowed eyes and a smug, little smile.

Grant jerked his gaze away and tried to cover his distraction by scanning the gym. It was empty save for them. Christmas was in a few days, and the academies had cleared out as the cadets rushed home to celebrate the holidays with their families and loved ones.

Few people were around at all. Fitz and Simmons had gone all the way back to the UK, and Grant found himself craving their obnoxious energy and babbling for reasons he could not explain.

"Are you excited for the holiday?" Skye asked to break the silence. "Or is that too much emotion for a robot like you? You might blow a fuse from the happiness you don't know how to handle."

Grant gave her a look. "It's just another day." He failed to see why everyone cared so much. He spent the last five years in the woods and could say with certainty that it really was just like every other day- except maybe a little colder. Grant hated winters in Wyoming.

"Well, it's an excuse to get presents and be with your family. Who doesn't love that?" Skye said.

Grant turned to look at her again. There was something distinctly bitter in her tone, but more than that, Grant was sure she was fishing for information. Just like he had noted she never spoke of her past or family, she had likely picked up that he was the same.

That was why Skye was so dangerous. She could see through him unlike the others, and he would bet it was because she was not as innocent as she appeared.

He really needed to stop spending time with her.

"I don't," he said honestly. He could not tell about his past, but he did wish to share something truthful with her. He hated that he was always lying to her, though he supposed he would eventually get used to it.

Skye leaned forward and looked at him shrewdly. "So you have a family?"

"Yes," he said. That was on file, and there was no point in acting like he did not, especially to someone who might even be able to hack into his files.

"But you're not going to spend the holidays with them?" The bitterness was more pronounced now.

"I don't have contact with any of them," Grant told her frankly. If a bit of revulsion bled into his words, Grant could not bring himself to care.

She was getting upset now. Her face was more flushed than it had been when they were training. Skye's hands balled into fists in her lap, and Grant decided that it was time to leave.

Skye was not the only one sensitive to mentions of family. Grant felt sickened at every reminder even now. A classmate would mention the older brother they admired so greatly, Simmons would get a call from her parents only to roll her eyes in exasperation, and Fitz would complain that though his mother tried, she never understood him. All of it made him infuriated.

He preferred not to think of family. He had left his in the past. He was growing stronger and doing something with his life. None of them could touch him anymore.

The only reason he allowed Skye to open the conversation was because he wanted to get a feel for her reaction. He wanted to determine why she never spoke of her own and did not go on holiday trips either, and now he had his answer.

The pinched expression, the barely concealed rage, the bitter words, Grant would bet that she was jealous that he had a family at all. If that were the case, it meant Skye was likely an orphan. Maybe she joined the Academy right after her parents died, but he was leaning towards Skye having never met them.

"Training's over, so I'm leaving," he said abruptly. He could not stand the idea of anyone being jealous of his family, and he was not going to waste more time with Skye. He was supposed to be spending less with her, not more.

"Wait!" Skye called out before he could make it two steps.

Grant really should have just brushed her off. It would be bad to encourage her, and he did not want her to think that she could pry into his past without him walking away.

Grant still turned around and faced her. "What?"

"I was thinking…" Skye mumbled, and it was disconcerting to see her lose the confident front she always put on.

Unbidden, Grant wanted to comfort her, to put her at ease and take away that insecurity. Curiosity held him in place while she struggled for her words.

"You're not doing anything for Christmas either, and I was thinking- I mean, wouldn't it be cool?" Skye's words were jumbled and rushed like she did not know how to get them out but felt a desperate need to convey her meaning. "I just think maybe, you know I have that little bonsai tree, Carl, which isn't a Christmas tree but might work anyway- uh, I'm not making any sense, am I?"

"No, I understand," Grant said, and he did. She wanted to celebrate with him since neither of them had plans anyway. Maybe she had spent every Christmas of her life in an orphanage and alone. Maybe she saw this as a chance to start a tradition and actually enjoy the holiday for once.

Grant was torn. He could not deny the rush of euphoria that Skye wanted to spend Christmas with him. That was when people usually were with family and loved ones. Grant was a great many things, but he had never been anyone's loved one. No one had ever wanted to be with him on Christmas.

But it was a terrible idea. He was already testing his ability to keep his emotional distance from her with their training sessions. He could not encourage her belief that they could be anything other than acquaintances, teammates and maybe friends in the most limited definition of the word. Garrett could hear, too, and he would, he might-

Grant forced himself not to think of Buddy.

"I can't," was all he said as he turned to leave. But he was not quick enough to miss the heartbroken expression on Skye's face as he did.

* * *

When Grant showed up at the designated meeting spot that night, the last thing he expected to see was a SHIELD agent in his mid-thirties accompanying Garrett. Garrett had quickly explained that the man had been snooping around looking for things he should not have. When he approached Garrett and Garrett alone with a theory that part of SHIELD might be corrupted, Garrett had told him to secretly meet him that night to discuss in a safe location.

Garrett told Grant to neutralize the threat, said it was a "learning opportunity", and Grant did not hesitate.

His opponent was weak and slow. Grant guessed he could not be higher than Level 2 with his lack of skills. It was surprisingly easy for Grant to bring the man down after a brief battle.

Grant slammed the man's head into the ground, and he lost consciousness at once. To be sure, Grant nudged him with his foot and flipped him over. The man's temple was bleeding, but his chest was rising and falling uninhibited.

Grant glanced up when he felt Garrett's presence behind him. The proud smile on his face died when he caught Garrett's expression.

"What are you doing?" Garrett demanded. "I told you to neutralize the threat."

"I did," Grant said somewhat unsurely with a look to his unconscious opponent on the ground. "He's not fighting anymore."

Garrett scowled. "And what happens when he wakes up? He's seen your face and can ID you. He's seen you fight and knows your abilities. He's seen us interacting and knows your allegiances. He's seen  _me_  and could blow my cover."

Grant froze. He had not thought of that. He was so stupid to not plan ahead.

"So what will you do when he wakes up?" Garrett prompted impatiently.

Grant swallowed as he looked at the knocked out man. "I'll fight him again." He meant to sound sure, but the words stuck to his tongue awkwardly in his suddenly dry mouth. Consequently, his response was really more of a question than an answer.

Garrett frowned, and Grant's heart plummeted. He had let him down again. There was a strange mixture of despair and terror bubbling in the pit of his stomach at the thought.

Grant nearly jumped when Garrett drew his gun and clicked the safety off. For a second, he was certain that Garrett had decided that he was not worth the effort and was going to end him right there. It was irrational. He knew how much Garrett cared about him, how he was  _the_   _only one_  who ever had, but the fear rose to panic when Garrett raised his gun hand.

It was not to shoot Grant like he had thought though. No, Garrett was holding the gun out for Grant to take.

Grant quickly grasped the sidearm like it was a lifeline, but once it was in his hands, he did not know what to do. He had used a gun many times. In the Academy, Grant shot at paper targets while his instructors looked on. In Wyoming, Grant had hunted countless animals for food. By all accounts, it should feel natural for Grant to grip the handle of the gun.

Grant looked to his mentor for guidance. A part of him knew what was expected of him and yet he was having trouble comprehending what he had to do. There was a mental block in his brain that kept the conclusion just out of reach.

With a sigh, Garrett came up right beside him and framed Grant's body with his own. He lined up their arms so that Garrett had his hand over the one Grant was using to hold the gun.

Strangely, Grant could only think of Skye and how he had held her in a similar position during their training sessions not two days ago. With Skye, Grant's heart had pounded at her closeness and the way she smelled so sweetly as they were pressed together. He wanted to lean into her more and enjoy the heat of her body.

The only reaction the two moments had in common though was that Grant's heart was beating uncontrollably once more but for a very different reason.

Garrett's finger pushed down on his lightly, encouraging Grant to do the rest.

And he did.

The man's head exploded from the force of the bullet fired mere feet away. He did not wake before the shot rang out, and he certainly was not going to wake up now

Grant stared at the gruesome mess before him vacantly.

Garrett took back the gun from Grant's numb fingers and switched the safety on once more. He casually tucked the thing back into his pants and gave Grant a friendly pat on the back.

"The only time a threat is neutralized is when it's riddled with bullet holes," Garrett told him. "Remember that, kid."

Grant was nodding, but he could not remember giving his body the command to do so. "I should go back to campus now," he said detachedly.

"Yeah, yeah," Garrett agreed. "Good work today, son."

Grant was halfway to the door when he heard Garrett say that, so he turned around to face him and acknowledge the compliment. He inclined his head and left.

Before he was out of earshot, Grant heard Garrett laugh to himself.

Grant returned to campus in a daze. He was not sure what was wrong with him. He had always known that he would need to kill people in his service to SHIELD and Hydra. In Operations, it was mentioned during one of his first classes and was repeated over and over.

Spies killed people. Spies lied. He was going to be a spy. He was already a spy.

Grant tasted bile in the back of his throat and bent over as he began gagging. He dry heaved for several minutes on the cold ground with his pants getting soaked by the snow. A shiver racked his body, but he strangely did not feel cold at all.

Maybe it was how he killed the man. In all of Grant's thoughts on how he would make his first kill, he always assumed that it would be self-defense or protecting Garrett. Instead, he pulled the trigger while the man was dead to the world and helpless.

Like Buddy. Buddy had just stared up at him trustingly as he pointed the barrel at him. Every time he shot a deer for food, they were unaware he had leveled his gun on the either.

Maybe killing people really was like hunting animals.

And besides, that man was a SHIELD agent. They were the enemy and the reason that Garrett was sick. Just because he looked pathetic in an unconscious heap did not mean he was not one of the people who betrayed Garrett.

Grant hoisted himself up off the ground and started forward before stopping abruptly.

He had driven to Communications instead of Operations apparently and was standing outside of Skye's dorm.

Where was his car? Why could he not reminder driving here? The ringing in his ears was enough to render him mad and impossible to think past.

On autopilot, he stumbled forward and used the key code he heard Skye tell someone once on the wall panel to enter the building. He found his way to her room without running into anyone else. If he had been thinking clearly, he might have been grateful for the fact that campus was pretty much deserted.

Grant opened Skye's door easily. She really should lock it, even though so few people were around and the Academy was secure.

The room was pitch black, but the meager light from the hallway illuminated Skye's sleeping form. Oh, right, it was the middle of the night.

Skye woke up either because of the light or the noise he made opening the door. She blinked blearily at him and then jolted up in her bed. She pulled the blankets up in front of her as if forming a defense against him.

"Sorry," he said stupidly.

She froze and then cocked her head to the side. "Ward?" Skye said as if just now recognizing him.

Grant's mouth was not working. He should not have come. He did not know why he had come. He did not even know how he got there. He should go find his car.

Grant turned around to leave, but Skye bolted up and ran to him.

"Hey, wait!" She flipped on the lights, and both of them immediately covered their eyes to protect from the sudden onslaught of brightness.

When their eyes had adjusted, they both just stared at each other for a moment. Skye's expression was twisted in confusion and fear, and Grant had no idea what his looked like.

"Ward, are you okay?" Skye asked. When he did not answer, she continued to question him. "What are you doing here? What happened? Is that blood on your hand? Why do you look so pale? It's 3am, what are you doing up?"

Grant wanted to answer, but he had forgotten how to speak.

"Say something!" She demanded rather desperately as she began to panic. "I don't know what to do. Should I slap you?"

"Please don't," he said without thinking. "I used to hate it when my mother did that."

Skye gaped but did not comment on that. She shook her head and refocused. "Okay, okay, why don't you just come inside?" She reached out to pull him in by his arm but jerked her hand back as soon as she touched him. "Oh my god, Ward, you're freezing!"

Was he? He did not feel cold at all.

Skye ran her hands on his arms and face and left a trail of heat as she did. She cupped his cheeks and cursed. "What have you been doing, standing out in the snow for the last two hours?"

Grant tried to pull away. Her attention was making him uncomfortable, and her touch burned him.

"We need to heat you up," she said, but he was beginning to think she was no longer talking to him. She dragged him out into the hallway and to the showers.

"I'm fine," Grant said numbly. "I've spent far more time outside in a much colder winter before." This was nothing compared to Wyoming.

Skye threw him a weird look at that but did not listen to him.

When they reached her destination, she turned to him and pulled his shirt up until it fell to the floor. "It's freezing and soaked through," she mumbled. She glanced at his pants, hesitated, and then pulled them down, too, leaving him standing in just his boxers.

She yanked him into a shower stall and turned on the water full blast. It was cold at first, which suited him fine but made his shivering increase, before it warmed up.

Grant felt like he was on fire, and he immediately tried to get out of the water.

"No," Skye said bossily as she pushed his chest and forced him back into the stall. To keep him there, she entered the shower, too, and stood with him under the water's spray.

Her hands were still splayed across his chest and pushing him against the bathroom wall. The chilly walls on his back contrasted with the heat of the water and her hands in a way that helped wake him up.

But now that he was more aware, all he could focus on was the girl in front of him. She stared at her hands on his chest before steadily raising her gaze to meet his own.

Her breathing hitched and her eyes widened. The wet strands of hair stuck to her flushed cheeks and her sleeping shirt was completely soaked and clung to her body. She was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.

Her hands flexed and then ran unsurely over his chest even as she kept her eyes on him. They trailed over his pecs before lowering. Grant's shiver this time had nothing to do with temperature. He groaned lowly when her fingers traced the contours of his abs.

He took a steading breath and tried to gather his senses. "I'm warmer now." His voice sounded huskier to his ears.

"Yeah," she said. Then she jerked as if coming out of a daydream. "Yeah, of course." She shut off the water and slowly pulled away from.

Dripping the whole way, they made their way back to her room. Grant only remembered his forgotten clothes on the floor of the bathroom after they had arrived.

Skye tossed him a towel as she began to dry herself off. He turned around as she changed from her sopping nightshirt to a new one and tried really hard not to think about her body as he did.

When she was done, an awkward silence descended on them.

"I should go," he said. He wanted nothing less, especially since he was not even sure where he parked his car or how he would get back.

"You don't have to," she whispered.

When he did not say anything else, Skye turned off the lights, grabbed his hand and gently pulled him into her bed with her. As he lay there, he wondered what he should do. He tried to make himself as small as possible to not crowd her, but it was a tiny bed, and he took up a lot of space.

She solved his problem when she nuzzled into his chest and her breath tickled his neck. He still did not move though, and Skye's worried voice whispered, "Is this okay?" in his ear.

Grant did not have the words to answer her, so he carefully wrapped his arms around her instead.

They slept the whole night that way, but when the sun began to rise, Grant delicately extracted himself from her embrace and silently made his way out of her room. He did not leave a note or any indication he had been there. He retrieved his clothes and left the building. Grant found his car illegally parked across the street from Communications and was back at Ops before she even woke up.

But when Christmas morning rolled around, Skye showed up unannounced at his room with Carl, the stupid bonsai tree, and a hopeful smile he did not know how to say no to.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a lot heavier than the previous installments, but I hope you like it anyway. I'm a bit nervous about this one, but I did promise that angst/plot was coming, and I really wanted to explore Garrett's training of Ward. This was done for day 3 of Skyeward Month for the prompts "family", "bullet holes" and "honesty".
> 
> Also, I'm working on the next chapter of Know Your Enemy for those who read it. It's about 2,000 words in.
> 
> Please let me know what you think!


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